On October 19, 2018, Netflix canceled Daredevil after three seasons, devastating many misguided souls in Marvel fandom. Almost as quickly as their hero can climb a fire escape, they gathered online with a common purpose: Save Daredevil.
What a colossal waste of time.
This hapless army has frittered away so much energy on a show that’s barely watchable. Literally. I had to watch much of Daredevil through my fingers because the violence was so realistic. I felt like my bones were breaking.
Stop showing off, sound designers. It’s unbecoming to make other shows look amateurish.
On March 16, the full series will be available on Disney+. We feel it’s our duty not to save Daredevil, but to save unsuspecting new viewers from the drudgery of watching it.
So if you’re on the fence about Daredevil, read on. We’ll explain why that trip to Hell’s Kitchen isn’t worth the metaphorical gas money.
Matthew Murdock is the most boring, cliched hero Marvel has ever put on a screen. Raised by his father, Matt was blinded by a vat of chemicals that gave him superhuman sensory powers. He was promptly abandoned by said father (whose dead body he found), and then raised by nuns in a Catholic orphanage, where he was trained by a half-crazy old man to fight in an ancient war. Matt then became a lawyer by day and vigilante by night, all while pretending to be truly blind.
How many times have we seen that stale backstory? Yawnfest.
When you think about it, Matt’s powers aren’t all that impressive. Yes, hearing heartbeats & voices three blocks away has occasional advantages. And sure, being able to recon an entire villain lair without entering it could come in handy.
Nonetheless, Matt needs to check his ego. I can tell which of my dogs farted based on the smell, but you don’t see me bragging about it.
In 2022, we’re also living in a simple, peaceful world in which honesty thrives, where people have no reason to question their identity or purpose. So no one wants to see a guy like Matt Murdock, a tireless crusader for truth & justice whose layered moral compass reflects their own.
Matt’s fighting skills aren’t worth writing home about either. Anyone can take out a dozen armed men in a hallway, or subdue an entire biker gang across four staircases. And it’s not hard to defeat a thrice-resurrected ninja wielding a poisoned sword.
Johnny Lawrence beat up four teenagers single-handedly on Cobra Kai, sacrificing his convenience store pizza in the process. That’s a hero.
The Man Without Appeal
This may be cruel, but we have to say it. Mr. Murdock isn’t much to look at. He can keep that gross stubble that perfectly outlines a granite jaw. His butt is so malformed we can’t take our eyes off of it. And honestly, would anyone want to wake up to this?
Sorry for the repulsive imagery, but we’re nothing if not thorough.
Finally, we must mention the man who portrays Netflix’s Matt Murdock, Charlie Cox. What a disaster. We can’t understand why Marvel chose a classically-trained, critically-acclaimed actor for this role. And at 5’10 and 150 pounds soaking wet, how can we buy him as the underdog against Vincent D’Onofrio?
Alas, we take solace in knowing that the true Matt Murdock lives on in countless, unopened DVDs currently lining the landfills of Massachusetts.
Ladies, we can rest easy in 2022. The #MeToo movement was a rousing success. Ronan Farrow & his cohorts rooted out every last misogynistic, abusive creep in Hollywood. And now, women hold equal ground with men in every way, from screen time to salaries to story quality.
The work is done, so when it comes to strong women like Karen Page, we channel Walter Harvey in A League of Their Own.
We don’t need ‘em!
Characters like Karen, women with spines of steel & brains to match, are now superfluous on-screen. It’s not like any disgraced men are actively making professional comebacks.
Representation hardly matters anymore either. There are no right-wing politicians working furiously to curtail women’s rights until the United States becomes the Republic of Gilead.
And haven’t you heard, girls? We’re finally getting what we’ve all been clamoring for: a live-action Barbie movie!
Thank you, Greta Gerwig! Rest assured, we’ll find a way to repay you.
You see now? We don’t need Karen Page. The time for fully-realized, nuanced women who drive the whole show is over.
And it’s also best that Deborah Ann Woll is forgotten. All that praise & acclaim she received over three seasons of playing Karen had to be suffocating. She must be so tired of hearing that she was a huge reason people soldiered on through 39 lackluster episodes.
So just steer clear of the whole Save Daredevil campaign. The last thing Ms. Woll needs right now is a new Marvel contract.
Nobody’s Role Model
Foggy Nelson is many things on Daredevil. Foggy is Matt Murdock’s college roommate, his best friend, and his legal partner. But above all, he is a callous human being who contributes nothing to Nelson & Murdock or his community.
The proof is everywhere. Take Season 1. Foggy worked pro bono for a little old lady whom Fisk was muscling out of her building. While Foggy was personally repairing all the damage Fisk’s goons had done to the apartment, he didn’t even have the decency to take off his shoes.
Beyond that, did you see all the food Foggy was accepting from poor clients in lieu of money? There is no way three people can eat all those bananas; it’s just wasteful. And we never see Foggy composting the peels, so that’s two strikes against him on environmental responsibility.
Franklin “Jellyfish” Nelson
Foggy also proves to be spineless at every turn. In Season 2, he’s at the hospital when two armed gang-bangers throw down amidst a roomful of innocent people. Does Foggy grab a weapon & jump into the fray?
Of course not.
Instead, Foggy uses his legal acumen & emotional intelligence to quickly deescalate the situation without any injury or property damage.
What a coward.
And we can’t forget Foggy’s run for district attorney in Season 3, which may be his most craven act. In his quest to protect his own family, Foggy plays a pivotal role in thwarting Kingpin’s criminal agenda.
That’s just mean. Wilson worked really hard on those plans. And what about his family? He deserved a life with his co-conspirator… ahem, wife.
So you see, folks. Foggy Nelson is the worst character on Daredevil. He’s certainly not the heart of Nelson & Murdock, nor is he the moral compass of the show. And we definitely don’t aspire to be like him in our daily lives.
As for Elden Henson, we have never seen an actor so utterly devoid of talent. He is in no way endearing, charismatic, or so adorable that we want to ruffle his hair & hug him. We can only hope that Marvel also forgets his name, right along with any plan to save Daredevil. In fact, you should all go remind Kevin Feige how to spell it so that it doesn’t accidentally end up on a new contract.
Better safe than sorry.
Finally, we come to Wilson Fisk, Daredevil’s canonical nemesis. In the comics, “Kingpin” is a ruthless criminal mastermind who rules Hell’s Kitchen from the shadows. But you’d never know this from watching the show. The lack of depth given to Fisk’s character combined with Vincent D’Onofrio’s wooden performance make Kingpin Marvel’s weakest villain.
First off, you must understand what makes a great villain. Take Malekith in Thor: The Dark World. We have no idea what his motive is or where his plan ends. Can you say, Michael Myers? Between that and the 57 terrifying pounds of prosthetics on his face, I had to turn off the movie.
On the flip side, we have Arashem, the nebulous, faceless, entirely-CGI big bad of Eternals. No one will forget… that thing anytime soon. We totally didn’t have to IMDB it for this post.
But the producers of Daredevil were lazy & took no creative license with Fisk. No laborious makeup, no special effects. All we got was a bald guy with no neck and a face he can somehow twitch on command. How is that scary?
And Marvel had a shady cash-grab going on with Daredevil, especially in Season 1. They had to be inserting subliminal messages for Evian or Coke into Fisk’s scenes. Why else would I almost pee my pants every time he’s on-screen?
Sorry, Not Sorry for Wilson
Oftentimes, great villains also have a sympathetic backstory, complicated familial relationships, or some childhood trauma that shapes their entire lives. But Wilson Fisk’s upbringing was idyllic. He ate all the cake he wanted & had a doting mother who cleaned up after him. Plus his father taught him all about politics, which served Wilson later in his career.
That privileged background also made Fisk as lazy as the writers, which weakens his villain credibility even further. For instance, when he decapitated a Russian gangster with a car door, Fisk put so little effort into it that he didn’t break a sweat. In Season 2, he couldn’t even be bothered to kill Frank Castle himself. Rather, Fisk ordered the prison guards protecting him in the prison he controlled to trap Castle & have him killed by other inmates.
Careless of him.
There’s one last hallmark of a superior villain: You can’t help rooting for them. But rooting for Wilson Fisk? That’s as absurd as rooting for Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence of the Lambs.
There’s nothing to admire in the way Fisk is always 10 steps ahead of his enemies. We feel no connection with the complex moral code that drives his every action. And we surely don’t wish him happiness with the only person who’s ever understood him & loved him anyway.
But as we alluded to earlier, the biggest problem with Wilson Fisk is the casting of Vincent D’Onofrio. He simply has no range. Just look at some of D’Onofrio’s past roles. He plays a MAN every single time!
Beyond that, Wilson Fisk needed an actor with gravitas, someone who could really exude danger & cunning, like that detective from the first season of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. You know, the tall, thin one with curly black hair?
He would’ve been perfect.
We hope by now you see that it’s pointless to watch Daredevil starting March 16 on Disney+ in the US, Canada, UK, Ireland, New Zealand, and Australia. But if you ignore our warnings, be sure to share your feelings with us.